


Fire Emblem: Three Raccoons

by jess_writes



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Crack, Multi, Raccoonleth, it's tagged as Edeleth but Byleth is actually three raccoons in a trench coat, no beta we die like Glenn, spoilers for ch 11, why did I write this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-05
Updated: 2020-10-05
Packaged: 2021-03-07 20:14:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,448
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26833501
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jess_writes/pseuds/jess_writes
Summary: Whenever Edelgard gets ready to have tea with Professor Byleth, she sets up four teacups. Why, you ask?That is, of course, because the person known as Byleth is actually three raccoons in a trenchcoat.
Relationships: Edelgard von Hresvelg/My Unit | Byleth
Comments: 12
Kudos: 23





	Fire Emblem: Three Raccoons

Whenever Edelgard gets ready to have tea with Professor Byleth, she sets up four teacups. Why, you ask?

That is, of course, because the person known as Byleth is actually three raccoons in a trenchcoat.

First, Edelgard sets out her own teacup in front of her. Then, she carefully places down Byla’s cup at the seat to her right. Byla is a female raccoon, and often sits on the top of the stack. She’s loud and assertive, and she is usually the one who gives lessons to the Black Eagles.

Next is Leth’s cup, which Edelgard places at the seat across from her. Leth is Byla’s twin sister, and she usually acts as Byleth’s arms. She’s quieter and less assertive than the other two raccoons, but she still comes through when it counts. She enjoys Byla’s company, so Edelgard is sure to seat them side-by-side.

Finally, Edelgard places Othis’ cup to her left. Othis is the older brother of Byla and Leth, and he usually acts as the legs. He is more muscular than the other two from holding up their weight, but he’s honestly kind of a pushover. 

With the teacups all set up, Edelgard carefully picks up the teapot and fills each one exactly two-thirds of the way. She puts the teapot down in the middle of the table and sits in her seat. She quickly fixes her hair and smooths down the wrinkles in her clothes; she wants to look good for when they show up.

Edelgard folds her hands in her lap and holds her shoulders back in a regal way just in time for the raccoons to walk around the corner of the garden. They look as stunning as always, all dressed up in their black coat. Edelgard smiles and says, “Hello, Professor. Are you here for tea?”

Byla says, “‘Course we are. You invited us, didn’t you?”

“Yes, I did. Feel free to take your seats.”

Byla hops off the top of the stack and lands gracefully on the chair to Edelgard’s right. “This one’s mine, right?”

“Of course. You know you always have a place at my right side.”

Leth leaps off of Othis’ shoulders and lands in the seat across from Edelgard. Leth’s ears flatten nervously. “You probably shouldn’t let Hubert hear that...”

Byla waves a paw at her dismissively. “Oh, it’s fine. He’s not here.” She quickly turns to Edelgard. “Right?”

Edelgard hurries to assure her. “Yes, I always send him away before you three come to visit.” She never lets Hubert get in the way of her alone time with her raccoons. It’s too precious.

Othis hangs up the black trenchcoat on the back of his chair before sitting in it. “Good. He really likes to put a damper on things, sometimes.”

Now that all three raccoons are seated, Edelgard smiles brightly and presses her hands together in front of her. It’s time to start her precious teatime. She says, “As you can see, I’ve prepared Bergamot tea today. It’s one of my favorites, so I hope you all enjoy it.” Her eyes flick between the three raccoons expectantly.

Byla says, “C’mon, Bergamot again? Don’t you make this tea, like, every time?”

Edelgard holds back a gasp. She thought her choice of tea was perfect. “But I love Bergamot...”

Leth grasps the teacup between her paws and cautiously takes a sip. “It’s good... Bergamot is fine.”

Othis grabs his teacup and quickly puts it to his mouth, throwing back the tea like a shot at one of Sylvain’s famous parties. He places the teacup on the table roughly, making a loud noise. Edelgard is suddenly very worried about the structural integrity of her cherished tea set, but it doesn’t matter in the end. If Othis is the one who breaks the cup, she doesn’t mind at all. Othis says, “Yeah, cut Edelgard some slack, Byla. It’s good tea.”

Byla puts her paws on the table and leans forward. “You didn’t even taste it!”

Othis burps. “Hey, Edelgard, got any food?”

Edelgard frowns. Lunchtime was only a couple of hours ago, so she didn’t think to bring any food. “Unfortunately, I didn’t have the foresight to bring pastries to our tea party. I will be sure to procure some next time, though.”

“Good! I love food. But for today...” Othis looks at Byla and Leth. “Raiding the kitchen tonight?”

“Hell yeah!”

“I’d like that...”

Edelgard smiles fondly at her raccoons. She’s felt alone for so long - so hopeless. However, the three raccoons that are Professor Byleth are the three people that she finally allows close to her heart. They’re her world.

* * *

The raccoons can’t believe it. Edelgard was the Flame Emperor all along! With the help of the Sword of the Creator and some creative raccoon stacking tactics, they manage to keep Edelgard’s forces from the Empire at bay. However, with Edelgard defeated, it comes down to one important moment.

Rhea commands, “Kill her.”

Byla, the raccoon on top, puts out a hand through a gap between the trenchcoat’s buttons. “Hold on a moment, will you?”

Rhea is probably used to her antics by now. “As you wish, Byleth.”

Byla pokes her head into the trenchcoat. “What the hell are we gonna do, guys?”

Leth starts the conversation. “I like Edelgard a lot...”

Byla sees her point, but decides to play devil’s advocate. They can’t afford to make the wrong decision here. “But it seems like she was lying all along. Can we really trust her?”

Othis sighs. “Let’s just go with Rhea. I don’t wanna deal with all this Flame Emperor business.”

Byla hisses. “But Edelgard’s so nice to us!”

“What, are you gonna side with her just because she rubs you in between the ears every once in a while? Weaaaaaaak.”

Leth says, “We should go with Edelgard...”

Byla nods. “Exactly! We should go with Edelgard! Screw you, Othis!”

Othis shakes his head. “Alright. But why did you even bother asking in the first place?”

Byla ignores him and puts her face through the top of the trenchcoat to see Rhea. “Uh, actually we think we’re gonna go with Edelgard. If that’s, ya know, cool with you.”

Edelgard’s delighted voice rings out from behind the three raccoons. “Professor! Are you sure?”

Othis lifts the bottom of the trench coat with a paw so he can see Edelgard. “Now’s not the time, El. We can talk later.”

“Of course! Later.”

Hubert teleports into the room next to Edelgard and bows. “Thank you, Raccoon Professor. I must express my gratitude from my heart of hearts. Perhaps you aren’t trash pandas after all.”

Leth sticks out her head through the trench coat’s buttons. “Those who break the rules are trash... but those who abandon their comrades are worse than trash.”

Byla looks down at Leth incredulously. “Isn’t that the wrong fandom?”

* * *

The war is over, and it’s finally time to propose to Edelgard. On the steps to the Goddess Tower, Byla sticks her nose into the coat. “Leth, you got the stuff?”

Leth holds up the box containing Jeralt’s ring. “Yeah, I got it...”

“Good!”

Othis chimes in, “You better not mess this up for us, got it Byla?”

“Yeah, yeah. But I know you’re just a pushover who lets me do whatever I want.”

“Not for this, I’m not. Too important.”

The raccoons reach the top of the stairs and see Edelgard. The three of them think that she looks as beautiful as ever in her trademark red dress. It’s as beautiful as a Coca-Cola soda can thrown away by a littering high schooler. Byla, completely floored by her beauty, stutters out, “E-E-Edelgard, marry me!”

Leth says, “Um, don’t you mean _us_? Not just you, Byla...”

Othis grabs the ring box from Leth. “Oh, we’re competing now? I’m gonna marry Edelgard, mark my words!”

“Othis, give that back...”

Othis loses all of his steam. “Oh, okay.” He hands the box back.

Byla laughs. “Ha, you got him there! Anyways, El is gonna marry me!”

Leth says, “Actually, I want her to marry me...”

Othis hisses. “Wait, it’s a competition, after all? El is marrying me!”

The three of them are interrupted by the sweet chime of Edelgard’s laughter. Byla asks, “What’s so funny?”

Edelgard smiles. It looks as beautiful as food found in a back alley dumpster. “Of course, I’ll marry all of you. You three are the ones who pulled me out of the darkness, and into the trash.”

The raccoons’ eyes all tear up. Leth says, “Oh, El...”

Edelgard throws her arms around the entire stack, effectively trapping them in a group hug. “I love you all.”

“I love you too, El!”

“Me too...”

“Love you, El.”

**Author's Note:**

> Not sure why I wrote this tbh
> 
> Idea courtesy of the Edelgang discord server! This is y'alls fault


End file.
